# The Oracle!
# Charles Shapiro 2 Oct 1999

%Danger%
Today will be a difficult one.
You should be looking over your shoulder today.
You should be very careful today.
Going out today is fraught with peril.
The Ice Weasels are on your trail. Beware.
Be very careful of anyone with dark hair today.
One false step today, and you could fall into the pit.
Be very wary of large angry dogs today.
Stay away from large angry men today.
You might have to dodge a bus today.


%Opportunity%
Yet today offers unique opportunities.
Yet if you handle the day correctly, it could prove very rewarding.
But bold action today may result in great rewards
But do the right thing today, and you could be much better off.
Yet if you manage things right, you could be living well for a long time.
But you could be free of all danger if you follow the correct precepts.
But if you can succeed in your plans, great opportunities await.
Yet today could be a harbinger of great gains.
But properly managed, today could mark a turning point in your life.
But if you can navigate the day's hazards, you will be much better tomorrow.

%Telephone%
%Out%
%Travel%
%Work%
%Play%
%Romance%
%Mail%
%Adventure%

!Telephone! > 5
You will receive an important phone call today. 

(!Telephone! <= 5) & (!Adventure! > 4)
Go out into the woods today and you will find something new.

!Adventure! < 3
Not a good day for a new hobby.

!Mail! > 5
You will receive an important letter today.

(!Mail! <= 5) & (!Adventure! > 6)
Skip going to the mailbox today.

!Adventure! = 7
Today is a good day to go for a walk.

!Adventure! = 4
A good day to try a new dish.

!Adventure! = 8
Today is the day you should start a new exercise program.

!Out! > 5
Something very important will happen to you outside your home.

!Work! < 5
Your boss will hardly notice you.

!Work! = 5
You will put in a regular work day.

!Work! > 5
You'll accomplish much at work.

!Play! <= 3 
Better just go to bed after work.

!Play! = 4
Today's a good day to do something exciting.

!Play! = 5
This will be a good day to work out.

!Play! > 5
Today is the time to strike while the iron is hot. Go out and win something.

(!Work! > 5) & (!Play! < 5)
Spend a little extra time at the office today.

(!Work! < 5) & (!Play! > 5)
Better leave work early today.

!Romance! > 5
The girl of your dreams is very close today. Look harder.

!Romance! = 5
You could find the woman you have been waiting for. But then again, maybe not.

!Romance! < 5
Don't bother with women today. You have plenty of other things to worry about.

%Action%
To maximize your chances, put your finger on your nose, get up, and turn around three times.
If you wish to be sure of the day's success, pat your head thrice and chant "Owa Tagu Siam".
In order to maximise your day's opportunities and minimize its dangers, cross your legs and pull your ear three times.
To ensure your good fortune during your day, cock your head to the left and sniff thrice.
To better your chances, grab your right ear with your left hand and bite your right wrist.
Your day will be improved if you put your head between your knees and tap your forehead with your right forefinger.
Get a better handle on your day by grabbing your left elbow and rapping your knuckles on the top of your head.
Make sure you can navigate the day ahead by putting your left finger in your bellybutton and your right finger on your forehead for 20 seconds.
Better be sure of your day by pulling your nose twice.
You will have a better day if you link your thumbs, put your hands behind your head, and wiggle your fingers.


%Donation%
For even better chances, donate money to the Subgenius Foundation.
For a better chance, donate money to the Libertarian party.
For a better chance of navigating the day, give money to the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal.